Modeling for Others

How might we show up in a way that models a new reality for others?

Lisa

Ben

Thompson

In our last dialog, Finding Voice, we dove deep into the experience of being seen, heard, and felt. An experience where we allowed our authentic voice to be heard.

We began to sense a new practice, a practice of 'mattering' that gives us the courage to reveal and then to be released from that shame which binds us. We began to experience what it feels like to pull back our Shadow Curtain.

We recognize that to courageously walk into our Creative Genius is to walk into a new reality – a reality that we must learn how to model for others.

In this dialog, we will explore how we can best model this new reality for those around us.

What rises up most urgently for me is the need to be clear about what 'modeling' is not. I think the idea of being a model leader, model educator, model community member, model of anything connotes perfection or self actualization. What I mean is modeling courage—the kind of courage manifests in the face of fear. And modeling learning over knowing. I think our work in developing a way of modeling is partly striving to live into our values rather than attempting to depict a contrived portrait of unblemished leadership.

The sort of modeling I'm thinking about is reflective, iterative, kind and tenacious. Reflection and iteration work together on continuous improvement. Kindness and tenacity support repeated efforts without beating ourselves up for apparent failures.

I wonder about the ways I'm unintentionally modeling something else at times. What have I learned to project into the world that I'm not yet aware of? And what are others taking away from that projection?

In a recent podcast , Brené Brown revisits FFTs. She talks about the new time that we are walking into, not an old normal that we will be able to return to.

A time of FFTs, one after the other, extending unending into the future. A time of perpetual change requiring constant learning and adaptation. Each time, a Walk into the Unknown.

This is the new reality that we must lean into.

Brené speaks honestly, authentically, about her own challenge of walking into this new reality – fear and excitement jumbled together.

She is not claiming to have the answers. She is just offering to walk a journey together with us. By so doing she is doing what she does best, modeling vulnerability and courage, a life that is alive, a life that matters.

We don't have to have the answers. We just need to walk into the unknown, offering others the opportunity to join us. They will see us being committed, being authentic, and being courageous – the essence of real leadership.

The two new components of FFTs that were added in that podcast are interesting: rest and staying fit. I think these are important for modeling. On the one hand, there's a theory of leadership that tells us that we should be working harder and more than anyone else. But we also have to model some kind of self care for sustainability. Staying fit (and she doesn't necessarily mean physically fit) is related. How do we keep ourselves in "fighting condition"? And how do we model this for others in a way that is compassionate? And do we do these two things while working harder and more?

This is interesting to me because it seems to being to strike a balance. We have to rest and stay fit in order to challenge ourselves to do our best work. There's something about the "self-care" paradigm that strikes me as both necessary as well as...disappointing? I think it swerves too quickly into avoiding an ongoing commitment to hard work. Hard work makes me feel alive and self-care, for me, is a way of doing more hard work.

I think what the combination of all of these components points to is that we can't lead while denying parts of ourselves. A necessary component of leadership might be demonstrating an incredibly deep commitment to the work but not to the extent that we become disembodied. Rest and fitness are necessary elements of being human and part of what our leadership is modeling is honoring our own and everyone else's humanity.

The idea of resting and staying fit specifically in order to be able to work harder and with greater endurance resonates. It brings to mind this Jewish maxim from the Torah, "You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it". The first part acknowledges our human limitations. The second perhaps points to a spiritual aspirations.

I am intrigued by the idea that we are conditioning our mind, our physical stamina, and our spirit to lean into work that has never been done before.

It makes me think of the days, long ago, when I was really into weight lifting. My goal was to make my body as fit and strong as I could physically become.

In order to build muscle, it must be worked, in most cases to the state of fatigue. Then there must be rest and healing. There must also be time to reflect and determine the next steps. It is this time of rest, healing, and reflecting that is the most critical.

If you don't take enough time to rest and heal, you risk causing harm. If you don't reflect and adjust the workout based on what you learned you risk causing harm.

Leaning into FFT's seems to resemble my workouts of younger years.

This also takes me back to our earlier conversations about Deep Work. Mostly about how important it is for us to reflect and wonder in order to do our very best work. Incidentally, this also takes practice.

I am curious as to why I keep coming back to the need to lean into that which is most uncomfortable in order to find the very best version of me.

I think this is a theme for me. I think it is critical that I model how to be comfortable being uncomfortable. When I do that, lean into it, the learning that comes from reflecting on the discomfort builds my FFT superpower!

My friend John, who is an incredible drummer and plays 3 hours a day, wrote on his snare drum "chase your weakness" as a reminder to himself about what leads to growth. He also wrote a song with the line, "Request three great bouts of effort everyday from your body and mind". There is something in those statements that reminds me of what Lisa wrote about the need to lean into that which is most uncomfortable.

We know learning requires discomfort in just the right amount. I wonder, since we can't always control the amount of discomfort that comes our way, if rest because the way to turn the dial down on discomfort to something we can manage. At least for a little while. Get pushed beyond our capacity, rest, reflect, once more unto the breach.

There is a paradox of stress. On one hand, we know that stress can cause us great harm. But stress, the right kind of stress, is essential for growth.

I am a runner. I know that if I don't push myself to the point of stress, I can't improve. At times this stress is hard to push through, other times it feels welcomed. But, to be honest, I rarely enjoy it.

But it is necessary – for in the recovery, the time between runs, is when muscle rebuilds, stronger than before.

Ecotones create stress, stress that allows growth. We name this stress when we say we must become Comfortable Being Uncomfortable.

But we recognize that all stress requires healing. We must, then, intentionally build practices of healing, where we gather together, hear each other, feel each other, wrap each other with love – love that makes us whole again, ready to venture back out into the unknown, inspired by wonder.