Question
How might we walk into our greatness by finding our authentic voice, one that can be heard and affirmed by others?
Participants
Ben
Lisa
Thompson
Introduction
We struggle to name the reason that walking into an experience of assessing and discussing our Learning Capacity with others is so powerful. The closest reason is that this experience is 'affirming' – a feeling of 'being seen'.
But why is this experience touching us so deeply?
Jess is finding in her primary school, when teachers sit down for these conversations with their students, that these experiences are powerful. Feelings of Joy Shared. Feelings that are surprising her and others.
These are similar feelings that we sensed when Lisa and Ben walked through this experience together.
In this dialog, we are going to walk into this queston with curiosity. Why is it that when we feel that others are really seeing us and our greatness is reflecting in their eyes, we sense a greater self emerging, one with a voice that seems to flow through us – an authentic voice upon which our genius is borne.
Thompson
In this past week I have been two degrees of separation from three young people who have committed suicide. A high school student, a college student, and a someone in their early twenties.
Suicide which comes from the depth of despair and a loss of hope.
Often with the words, "I don't matter."
I am now thinking about matter in both its meanings: that which is tangible and real and that which is important. I am wondering if thinking about matter might help us unlock a deeper understanding of that which we seek.
We talked about how, when we did these assessments, it felt 'affirming'. Perhaps, what is being felt in these moments when we reflect on how others experience us, is that, by being experienced, we become, in a sense, 'realized', we matter. We all desperately need to know that we matter – that we are real _and_ important to others.
By our own consciousness, we really don't know that we are real – perhaps this is just a dream we are walking through, a dream with no meaning. But when someone sits down and reflects on the experience of experiencing us, we have something important affirmed in us, that we _matter_ and that this journey does, indeed, have _meaning_, one that can be filled with _purpose_ – the potential of greatness. There is no greater affirmation that we could receive.
When I watched Jenni in her classroom in Dayton, I would notice that moment she was with each team of students as they were on their DIG journeys. In this messy, noisy space of students in a classroom, she would wander from group to group. With each group, she would stop and, if just for a moment, lock eyes with the students and listen deeply to them. She would hear their struggles and gently suggest strategies for moving through them.
In those moments, each student knew that they mattered and that someone – an important adult in their life – saw in them a greatness that they, perhaps, had not yet seen in themselves.
A feeling that helped them unlock their creative genius in a way that surprised them and those around them.
Perhaps, then, this process of assessments is really a powerful practice of 'mattering'. If we develop our skills of mattering, perhaps we can unlock a new collective creative potential, living into our unequivocal commitment to equity and inclusion: 'all means all'.
Ben
There is something to this exploration of "mattering"! I agree that concluding you don't matter makes suicide seem like a good option. The belief that "I don't matter" is the epitome of despair. Spending time with a person - in any capacity - can be a way of telling them that they matter. Spending the kind of time we spend when discussing learning capacity might send a message that "you matter" in a way that is very difficult to not hear. This is a way of telling a person not only "you matter" but also "you are known". The message "you are known" plus the time it takes to send this message are a powerful combination.
However, when I have contemplated suicide, it wasn't that I didn't think I mattered, it was that I wanted to stop feeling the way I was feeling and I was at risk of failing to think of another way out. It wasn't that I thought I was worthless - though that too in part - it was that I didn't think I could carry the weight I was shouldering and I think that weight was primarily in the form of shame. I was overwhelmed with it. I felt like it was mine alone. An anonymous person carrying a world of shame.
I think the experience of the learning capacity assessment helped me see that I was worthy of mattering. Which is to say that we might think of ourselves as mattering by chance. I happen to be someone's son and someone's brother and someone's friend but what did I do to be worthy of mattering beyond that? Maybe this is particular to me because I would tell anyone else that you don't need to have done anything to matter but I don't know if I always believe that of myself. Having the two of you spend time talking about who I am helped me feel worthy of mattering.
If shame is an identity we don't want but that is forced on us, is mattering an identity that we do want but might feel unworthy of?
Thompson
Yes, sometimes it's hard to accept that we are worthy of mattering – a struggle I am familiar with. I have known dark nights – I call it the 'valley of death' – where I have felt profoundly alone, suffering with a burden the feels too heavy to bear.
But then the morning comes and I emerge out of that space changed. Something inside of me was torn down as I cried out in despair – a part of my ego relinquished that I come to recognize had been a barrier to a deeper sacredness within me.
Shame is indeed that which imprisons our spirit. Perhaps by pulling back our Shadow Curtain with others, we can be healed – freed to become all that we are meant to be.
Ben
If adults are more likely to have a well-developed shadow curtain whereas children are more likely to not have developed this defense yet, then the way we approach mattering and shame are going to be different. Adults and children might all need opportunity, space, permission and modeling but in a different mix. Children may mostly need space and opportunity. Adults may need more permission and modeling. Maybe this is a way of understanding the difference between a DIG done with adults and one done with students?
Next: Modeling for Others